100 visions and revisions

Supermarket Sweep

2008-09-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

Problem:
Whole Foods carries such incredible food and drink! And yet their superior products are prohibitively expensive!

This summer I was weekly teaching a 3.5 hour class, and before the class it worked best for me to eat dinner at Whole Foods. (Easiest parking.) So, I set myself a $10 limit and worked at finding as much food as possible for that amount. It was a pleasing game, and I slowly improved as the weeks passed...until I found the taco plate. For six dollars, I got two tacos, rice AND beans. I was stuffed! Yet disappointed, since the game was over.

Or so I figured...until I thought of a new game: How expensive can I make my dinner at Whole Foods? Here are the rules (yes, this is a challenge to all my readers, meaning you, Leighton):

1) The food must be enjoyable. No dinners made out of saffron and truffle shavings.

2) You have to be able to teach for three or so hours after the dinner--meaning, no alcohol.

3) You have to eat the dinner in one sitting.

I thought up this game, and then I hesitated. It seemed wasteful. But I had to celebrate a few things, so I decided to go for it. I had visions of the show "Supermarket Sweep" as I moved around the store, hitting first the seafood bar, and then the sushi bar, and then the chocolate truffle display, the cut fresh fruit cooler, the coffee bar, and the salad bar (I went for the heavy, water-laden vegetables).

Meghan's typical cost for dinner: $3.50
Typical cost for Whole Foods dinner: $9.30
Whole foods dinner challenge: $33.81
Feeling stuffed on food you've dreamed of buying for ten years: Priceless.

So yes, now I have to bring some sandwiches to school, but it's worth it. Sometimes, you just have to feast.

Burrowing Owls

2008-07-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

My family has never fit in Orange County. We don't go to the beach, we are not blond (except for Helmut, our secret half-brother-- a towhead), we are not bros, we are not babes (Leighton, you beg to differ?) Point is, we grew up in a hostile environment. We were taunted for our love of classical music, falconry, art, math. Greg D. wrote "Meghan P. Davis" on my math book in sixth grade out of spite. I asked him what the "P" stood for and he said "Pi"-- the mathematical constant. Good one, Greg D. (actually surprisingly witty-- Evan M. simply kicked a soccer ball in my face, though I was on his team.)
I'm getting to a point here: burrowing owls do not think they are better than the prairie dogs they co-habitate with; they are simply different. Owls, built for flight, typically live in trees. Though our culture associates owls with wisdom, in Italian, "civetta"--owl--can be slang for whore and in Arabic "owl" is slang for widow. I might have just made all of that up. Anyway, owls are not necessarily wise, but they like to sit in branches, and they are nocturnal. The burrowing type lives in the ground, and the prairie dogs, who are totally lovable but sometimes carry the bubonic plague, say things like, "Nice feathers, asshole." When the lion lays (lies?) down with the lamb, then the prarie dog and the burrowing owl might also cease their bickering. This is a long-term prophetic conjecture. Short-term, I do not want to go to your pool party, Britney. Thanks but no thanks.

Lexicon- part 1

2008-02-28T18:34:00.000-08:00

hey, these aren't inside jokes! I am freely sharing them, no?

no?: a European way to turn a declaration into a question, last minute. It's useful for procrastinators. Also great when you want someone to agree with you without a lot of argument. "This Bush is shit president, no?" (see: closed question)

up the cute: When someone or something just decides to be cuter or more likable. Here's an example: when my family got a new puppy, our old dog started trying to sit in our laps. She was definitely upping the cute.

hard but good: This is what a dishonest person will say when describing a really difficult situation that has no upsides, when they can't simply admit that it was pure pain. "On my trip, my passport and wallet got stolen, and then when I called home I found out that my grandma died. Also, I got a terrible case of food poisoning, and I think I've decided I need to break up with Brian. Yeah, life's been hard but good."

pizza on the carpet: This American Life ran a story about a man whose job involved interviewing the mentally disturbed to make sure they weren't cheating the government for subsidies. He went to a house where there was this pristine white carpet and white furniture. Everything was perfect, except there was one piece of pizza smashed upside down in the middle of the floor. "Pizza on the carpet" refers to the one thing that tips you off to the huge load of crazy in a situation.

passive aggressive hand puppet: this isn't a term so much as a thing to do when someone is bothering you. Just use your hand to say passive aggressive things, like "I used to be jealous of people like you until I realized there's more to life than money." The great thing is that when people get offended with you, you just blame it on the puppet.

closed question: a great way to keep the conversation flowing without actually having to learn anything new about the person you're talking with. example: "How much does your dog weigh?"

Welcome to the Neighborhood

2008-02-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

I really wish I could drive a Sports Utility Vehicle. It's fun to be so high off the ground, and to have the ability to transport so many people from one place to another. It's like driving an evil schoolbus. You know what would be better? An SUV with a television/dvd inside. No, I know you think I'm being sarcastic, but that could be fun. And hey, I'm all about alternative energy. Maybe instead of gasoline, this dream car of mine could be fueled by an unlimited resource. no, not solar power, silly. Woody Allen movies. They're good, but we have too many of them.

Brick: a follow up

2007-11-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

here are a few questions/comments I have received in regards to the Brick:

"Does the brick actually receive calls?"- Syd
response: Yes, it does. In fact, my reception has improved since switching to the brick. I no longer have to call people back from my land line; the brick IS my land line.

"Does the Motelona actually receive texts?"- Ryan
response: Yes, the motelona can send and receive texts, even "multimedia" texts, whatever those are.

"Nice phone."- Gordon
response: Gordon, leave me alone. I know that like the Darryl Hannah character in Wall Street, we have an on-again off-again relationship, but once and for all, I find your loose morals repulsive.

"Michelle is upset by the attraction I feel for you ever since you got the brick. I'll be campaigning in California pretty soon. Would you want to meet for drinks?"- Barack
response: Just drinks, nothing more.

"I know that you could have chosen someone younger and thinner, but I'm going to do my best to make sure you are happy with me."- Brick
response: Brick, you don't ever need to question my love for you. Those younger, thinner phones are a dime a dozen. Only you sing me Mandarin songs for hours, for no particular reason.

"I'm proud of you." - Alexander Graham Bell
response: Alexander, that means a lot. A whole lot.

The Motelona

2007-10-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

A package arrived for me today. It was from Hong Kong.

Inside was a typed note that explained the following:
"As the Motelona 158x Brick Phone is very new to the market, no English User Guide is available. Should you have any problem, please contact me at johnny@____."

I've been dreaming of this day for years, and finally it has arrived. I've purchased the largest mobile phone money can buy.

Here is its charger. Did I mention that the battery has a standby capacity of 14 days?

I think it's time for all of you to admit that your cellphones are too small. You have trouble dialing and texting on that tiny keypad. You have trouble finding your phone when it starts ringing. The camera phone feature is more trouble than it's worth. And of course, there's no way to prop the phone on your shoulder if you need to free up your hands.

Well, my phone weighs over a pound.

Some might think this phone is reflective of my general nostalgia for a bygone era. But Gordon Gecko didn't feel any nostalgia, and neither do I. He got it done, and he used a Motorola to do it.

Now I will say something bold: Whoever said that material goods can't fill that void inside never purchased a Motelona 158x.

Lowjen

2007-10-11T04:06:00.000-07:00

There's a man in our Mandarin class named Lawrence, but our teacher calls him Lowjen. I cannot figure this out, because her English is excellent and I've never heard her badly mispronounce any other words. One time she said "homewife" instead of "housewife"- and another time she said that some Chinese people "sparkle" their soy milk with salt. Both of these mistakes had nothing to do with pronunciation. Also, they were endearing.

But every week when teacher Zhang is calling roll, and I see her eyes fall on the name "Lawrence," and all of a sudden she hesitates, and then slowly says, "Lowwjen." Not Lorjent, not Lojence. Low-jen.

This reminds me of the infinite misspellings and mispronunciations related to Leighton's name. Just so you know, it's pronounced (G)LAY-dun. There's just the slightest hint of a hard "g" sound at the beginning there.

the flu

2007-09-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

So a few days ago, I came down with the flu. I had forgotten how miserable it is. For the first two days, I slept nonstop. But now, I am starting to get restless, though I can't really get out of bed yet. Consequently, I've had a lot of time to think. Here are some thoughts:

-John Denver's line, "What a friend we have in time, gives us children, makes us wine" seems deep, but ultimately leaves me confused. Does time necessarily give us children? No- there's more involved than that. Same with wine. I wonder if there was something in the clean mountain air that made Denver lose his grip on logistics.

-Hoveround was invented by a male nurse named Tom Kruse. Fishy.

-The Wire is a good show; I'm glad I netflixed it.

Well, I think that's it for now. I've had a lot of time to think but haven't come up with much. Time to drink more vitamin water and take a nap.

the worst dinner (fictional)

2007-09-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

It was the worst dinner. The food was horrible and the company was worse. I had the worst time ever.

Well, actually the food wasn't too bad. But still, it was so shitty. It wasn't the conversation, which was pretty fun, though it annoyed me. And the beer was good. Still, just terrible.

I don't know why things never work out for me. I mean, this dinner was supposed to be special, but instead it was awful; just really, really horrible.

funny

2007-09-14T15:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/27MichaelWard.html

I think this strikes me as funny because of my old work email, which was nearly impossible to communicate to people over the phone:
mcecil@k-lunadesign.com
people always thought that k was the word "kay", and then the dash added more confusion...haha! wow, I think this bolsters my theory that people's work is maybe only interesting to them (and me). And then there were the tps reports...

Am I worried about Jay-Z?

2007-09-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

Answer: yes, just a little. When he was bubbling hard in the double R, flashing the rings, money wasn't even an issue to him, and he was enjoying himself. What's not enjoyable about eating crab and watching people shake shit all night? Back then, he had some things to worry about, sure. Was he slacking on his pimping? Could he hit a R&B chick who would fit the bill? Still, times were good.

Now he's saying, more money, more problems- Big predicted this exactly. While I'm trying to get some chicks to do E, I'm worrying about these young upstarts spitting at me. I've driven every car; now I just want some home-cooked food and freshly laundered clothing. Where's the love? There isn't any, in the heart of the city nor in the heart of the town.

Well, Jay Z- at least you're honest. Having lived that glitzy hip-hop lifestyle, I can corroborate that it's only fun for awhile.

I was in Mandarin class yesterday, and I looked at my sister and said (in English- I can only talk about the weather and certain foods in mandarin), I think I'm instituting a no-nostalgia policy. She agreed with me, in English.

Yes, that's right: no more dwelling on the good old days. Flexing the rolex and signing checks for my whore may have been fun, but living in the present also has its benefits. Lots of benefits, actually.

And yes, I'm a little worried about Jay-Z because I don't want him to get burned out, and I'm not sure Beyonce is serious enough for him. She seems pretty happy all the time, and I don't trust that about her.

Wow- I guess I had a lot to say. Perhaps my new policy, after the nostalgia thing, will be to "emote" a little more.

Movies

2007-03-08T00:36:00.000-08:00

I was unpleasantly surprised when Siskel died, especially because he was the skinny one. In his place there is Roeper, who never disagrees with Ebert. When these two give something their "two thumbs up," this is what I think: Ebert liked the movie, Siskel is dead, and Roeper, you are just a yes man. Not that I ever watch their show, but I can just sense the dynamic. If the show was Ebert and Roeper and the ghost of Siskel, and they gave a movie three thumbs up, I would trust two of those thumbs and let me tell you, one of them would belong to a specter.
Here's another annoyance that I have with the movies: shitty movies. Yes, they really irk me.

Some Horses are Needy

2006-09-04T00:21:00.000-07:00

What is there to do at your parents' house, aside from eating free food and watching hours of television? Answer: look at your old stuff and remember what a cute kid you were. Here's a gem I found the other day in a primary book. From the look of the writing, I'd place it around second grade:

Some horses are speedy some horses are needy.
They like to run they think its fun.
They like to jog in the sun or in the fog.
All horses are tall in summer, winter, spring and fall.
There skin is tough and often rough.
I like to ride with my feet on either side.
They're hard to clean what you call dirty always rough and always sturdy.
The horses hair is gentle and fine if I had a horse I would call it mine.
Horses are precious and priceless
all full of gentleness all full of niceness.

Well put, little Meghan. I think we all learned something here.

Open Letter to Neil Young re: "A Man needs a Maid"

2006-09-02T00:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Neil,

Lately I've been frustrated with our relationship. We used to have so much in common...I guess I just feel like maybe you're not being that honest with yourself. Do you really think that if you hire a cute maid, and she comes over and dusts and vacuums your house, and cooks you some really tasty stew, that you won't start wanting more from the relationship? Then you will have a logistical nightmare on your hands.

Anyway, I think you getting off your ass and cleaning some house might snap you out of this depression you've fallen into. God knows it helped me with mine...but I'm a woman, so according to you, I do not have an inherent right to household help. You are intractable! Fine, okay- I'll do a few loads of laundry for you.

Sticking it to Darwin

2006-06-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

I do believe that humans, like other species, adapt to their environments in a process known as "microevolution."

Still, I don't like the idea that my body has anything useless. Tonsils help the immune system, apparently. The appendix stores extra information - charts, graphs, and figures. And the wisdom teeth? I wasn't sure until I had them removed.

The other day, I signed up for a few credit cards, just in case I felt like buying some things.

My friend decided to marry a really horrible man. I told her, "Time's ticking! Better to marry someone awful then end up unmarried with no kids."

I think that naked lady cutouts would be cool on my car. Do you know where I can buy some?

Anyway, something is different but I can't figure it out, and I don't really care to be honest. Hey, want to hang out sometime? We could go destroy some property.

The Cat to end all Cats

2006-06-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

(click on title to read bad press)

Recently my cat has been receiving some bad press, a fact that disturbs me. It disturbs her as well. Gypsycat is, if anything, conscientious about her reputation.

No, she is not an awardwinning mouser, but she did pummel a baby mouse to death the other day.

Yes, she was doing the whole "dreadlock" thing long before it was cool for cats.

No, she has not been the most comforting during my recovery. She's spent most of her time trying to bogart my heating pad. Still, she bought me some beautiful flowers. Oh, that was you?

No, I don't know how old she is. According to my estimates, she's about 32.

So why do I love her? Let me put it this way: Why do you love your decrepit old neighbor who steals canned goods from your cupboard?

You were the wind beneath my wings

2006-06-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to inform you all that Wednesday, June 14 was my last day of work. I was hired almost a year ago for the position of "assistant peon" and was promoted to "executive peon" only a few months later.

Ah, the memories we shared! Since my boss is omniscient, I had to wait until I quit to report to you the goings-on of the company I will heretofore refer to as the Dark Design Firm.

On Thursday, June 15, I had four wisdom teeth removed. Currently I am unemployed with a very squarish face. Sometimes it's painful to get rid of harmful influences...bad teeth bad bosses. But high on codeine, I've never been better.

More to come...

Back from the dead

2005-12-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

when I last updated this blog, Henry Ford had just introduced a crazy new invention called the "car." my how the time flies.

The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld

2004-09-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

The Unknown

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

Department of Defense news briefing
Feb. 12, 2002

Rats in the rafters

2004-09-20T23:32:00.000-07:00

Listened to the new Wilco album tonight. It is very good, which is not shocking. Wilco doesn't depress me as it does some people. In fact, music in general doesn't depress me, even really bad music. Of all the media, movies have the greatest potential for putting me in a funk. Then, books. Then, found poems. Then, etchings. Then, paintings. Then cartoons, panpipe riffs, and drawings on napkins. THen, music in general.
Can you tell I have been studying large amounts of aristotle this week? I could easily divide that last paragraph into about fifty more detailed (and hence more interesting) paragraphs. Sadly, I must go to bed. And yes, I can hear some rats of nimn rattling up through our walls. I should probably go make them poison peanut butter sandwiches. Lucky for you, rats, I'm going to bed. Lucky for you,too, my faithful following.

santa fe or bust

2004-08-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

There is something so strange about moving. I've done it a fair amount of times, and typically I give myself about an hour per time zone to adjust. After the first 2-11 hours, I wonder why I feel so disoriented.
This time, I am giving myself a year. That's right, an entire year to get used to this new place. I may need it- people here like to wear huge amounts of silver jewelry. This is new. Also, they are not obsessed with their weight or the shapes of their noses. They like to read. They are political. They walk instead of drive when possible. All this is new to me. I breathe in the air and it's not full of toxins. My lungs need a year to adjust to this.
Of course, I'm giving the OC a bad rap. We (again, it will be about a year before "we" means santa fe) do have a hit teen drama on the WB and a booming real estate market. Also, my dearest loved ones live behind the orange curtain so this year, I will refrain from value judgements. I will simply say, Santa Fe is a charmed place.
For my faithful followers, and assuming it's plural is a leap of faith (isn't it, Leighton), I appreciate you waiting out the summer for me to finally post something. I think I may have cleared up the whole "chinese character" problem. if it's still a problem, please let me know. I better go to bed. Our new dog Cody- pictures soon forthcoming- will be waking up the household in about 6 hours to play.